From the Mirror.Co.UK:
I crave hanky spanky – routine sex is just a turn-off for me now
Dear Dr Cath,
I’ve been into the fetish scene for years and enjoy being spanked by my girlfriends and tied up..
Now I’m in my 30s I’m thinking of starting a family and I’ve met a really nice girl.
The only trouble is that sexually she is not as interested in the fetish scene as me and wants us to have a more conventional love life.
But without the thrill of bondage, I’m finding normal sex very tame.
Dear reader,
Bondage and spanking are both common among those who enjoy domination and submissive sex play.
Being restricted or controlling can lead to an adrenaline rush and a heightened state of arousal.
This may sound frightening but if you follow a few safety rules these games can be a great addition to a healthy sex life.
However, both of you have to be willing. Coercing your lover against his or her will is wrong.
You are lucky to find a girl who partly shares your desires. She’s been willing to play along and has enjoyed the experience. But all relationships are about give and take and you should respect her desires even if this means having a more conventional sex life.
It sounds as if you’ve become psychologically dependent on the thrills of bondage.
So much so that it’s hard for you to perform when you don’t have those signals.
There are several ways around this. Try using fantasy to increase your arousal when having sex. Imagine some fetish sex you’ve had or you would like to experience.
Let the thought of this help with your arousal when you are with your partner.
Because the fantasy is in your mind you don’t even have to share this with your girlfriend.
If the person carves a spanking/bondage relationship only, he may need to look elsewhere. If the other party isn’t into that kind of stuff, they will have to deal with it. Not everyone is into that. I had a woman tell me if we were more than just friends, she would spank me and that I was to do so in return. I joked that I could receive, but would not return the favor. She laughed and all was fine.
Indeed, David.
He may also find a semi willing partner now is suddenly wholly unwilling after they have said their “I do”s. He would not be the first to find himself in that situation.
I’m afraid I have to agree that if there is no kink compatibility and she is unwilling to let him fill his needs elsewhere they are better off parted now. It’s unfortunate, but it will save them both a lot of heartache later.
Ms. Betty
Ms Betty, I found myself in the “no kink compatibility” situation when I was married. I was young, and had not yet become comfortable with myself about the need to be spanked. My ex had no use for it, and said I could absolutely not get the relief I needed elsewhere. Hell, she even suggested that a legitimate massage from a therapist of the opposite sex was “out of the question.” We eventually divorced, and I’m sure the sexual incompatibility added to the angst. Now, I am comfy with my need although the itch is rarely scratched. That’s another issue for another day.
A perfect example, Mitch. Your story is echoed by so many others. Thank you for sharing it. I am sorry you had so many years of frustration. Perhaps there is a positive to it, though. It may be that you did it the hard way so that others don’t have to.
Ms. Betty
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